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Now I am no relationship counsellor nor am I an expert… Yes, I have a fantastic relationship with my wife Sarah but like all relationships there are always improvements to be made and occasionally (very occasionally) the grass looks greener on the other side.
But why am I telling you this? Because what I want to do this week is shed some light on the emotional strains of self-isolation on relationships and share with you where I think they come from, and what you can do to help.
It is 2-fold really. One is our innate gender/hormonal driven differences and the other is our love languages.
Yes, as a developmental adaptation and hormone driven response to stress, men and women differ. You see women will always try and bring their loved ones, family and tribe together in times of stress. Whereas a man would naturally do the opposite and push away.
And this is where the frustration and anxiety lie. As the woman tries to draw near, her man pushes away. She is left feeling alone and concerned as to why he wouldn’t want to be close at this tough time. Man, on the other hand is frustrated that his woman just won’t leave him alone to have some space at this time (to think of a solution, just how we men think, superman cape and all).
It is not that either one doesn’t care about the other, they deeply do. They just care in very different ways and it is not until we are aware and see that, that we can then open up a conversation to work around it and adapt to one another’s needs.
Has anyone ever given you flowers when all you wanted was a hug, or has anyone spent hours talking things through with you when all you wanted was a brief “well done I’m proud of you”?
There is a great book called ‘The 5 Love Languages’ that shares how we all give and acknowledge love. What it also highlights is that we do this in very different ways and therefore if someone speaks to us or shows us love in their ‘language’, we don’t necessarily see that they care.
A great way to improve a relationship is to find out and understand one another’s love language and start showing praise and affection in a way that they see it, not how you want it.
And in my view, it is as simple as this. We haven’t seeked first to understand. Too often we assume and when we are forced to spend so much time together those assumptions cannot be ignored.
I challenge you to work out your love languages, whether as a couple, family or on your own. If you fancy it, why not share with me, I would love to know.
Yours in Health
Tom
